A Time to Weep and a Time to Dance

     A month ago, our newest granddaughter, Whitney, was born into heaven. Several times I have attempted to write about her, and about my 4 month old granddaughter, Kaira, who was born on my birthday! I have found that to be difficult because it is too weird. Weird that Whitney is not here with her parents, weird that she won’t know us--Nana and Papa Sam. Weird that her cousins won’t get to play dress-up, or have art shows, or go on picnics with her. It’s just not right.
      Some of our friends have expressed that ‘it must be hard to rejoice with one daughter while grieving with the other’.  It sounds like it would be hard; what is hard about it is that grief is hard. Sheyenne describes it as a monster that comes out when you least expect it. (I agree with her.) It is hard and horrible that we don’t have Whitney here with us! But, we also have joy--by that I mean that we have joy in both lives, joy in what God has done and is doing in both families. Joy in knowing her for the time we had with her. Joy in the memories we made during this time.
     Let me tell you a little about Karia. We are thankful for Kaira! She was born at home, with a mid-wife, in a peaceful setting with her daddy, her nana, and a friend of her mom in attendance. It is special to me that she shares my birthday! (Now, hopefully, I won’t forget it or get it mixed up with someone else’s birthday!)
     Kaira was born with lots of hair and she looks like big sister, Emmalia. Right away she settled in to nursing and sleeping well at night. I got to spend three weeks with her, and it was wonderful. She’s a sweet baby that likes to snuggle, is very content, and very vocal--not crying but cooing and babbling. What joy I have being Kaira’s Nana!

     While we grieve for the absence of Whitney in our lives, we are so
thankful for her life. In the short 30 weeks she was with us, she received love, and she gave it. We find joy in the stories her momma and daddy told us about her in the womb. She liked Indian food! She knew her parent’s voices, she was comforted by her momma’s heartbeat and her daddy’s warm hand. Whitney was born in the hospital, in a peaceful setting, with a nurse, her daddy, her nana, and her aunt Megan, in attendance. One thing special about this day is that it was the 21st anniversary of her momma and her aunt Meg’s baptism into Christ. Sheyenne has written an entry in her blog about Whitney's birth HERE.
     Whitney was smaller than I expected. David was born at 27 weeks and was quite a bit bigger. She looked like David and Sheyenne ! She had curly hair, beautiful eyebrows, and a cute little nose and sweet mouth. Though she died of Triploidy, she was perfectly formed. She even had her momma’s toes! (Since they are like mine, I’d say that is pretty perfect!) What joy I have being Whitney’s Nana! She spoke to me from an ultrasound video in the womb!
     It is a strange feeling to be carrying joy and sorrow in the same heart. I never know when sorrow is going to make an appearance. She can shoot out of my heart like an arrow, cutting through a moment of joy, shattering my composure to tears. I am getting used to it--but I am never ready for it. There are some places I don’t allow my mind to wander...to the ‘whys’, the ‘if onlys’, the ‘not fairs’. Even with a leash on these thoughts, occasionally they get away and I have to chase them down. I take them captive and think on the ‘whatevers’ according to Philippians and I consider my blessings.  I don't expect this heaviness or sadness to go away quickly, but I have been told it gets lighter with time.

     Sheyenne and I have an agreement. If I say something-or don’t say something-that causes her hurt, she will let me know. I think my friends who made the above comment wondered if it isn’t hard to show joy toward Kaira in front of Sheyenne and sorrow in light of Whitney with Megan. I think I can say that Sheyenne’s sorrow is shared by Megan and that Megan’s joy is shared with Sheyenne, and as a family, we share them together.
     Ecclesiastes says, “There is a time for everything, ...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...” Right now I am dancing with tears on my cheeks.